Overcoming Lies Part 3
Overcoming the Lie That Intimacy in Marriage Is Overrated
Few areas of marriage get more mixed messages than this one. The culture treats sex as the center of life, then turns around and jokes that married intimacy is dull, a duty, or something that fades once the kids arrive. In this episode, Dave and Bethlie wrap up the marriage portion of the Overcoming Lies series by naming the lies Christian couples quietly absorb about intimacy and showing what God's Word says instead.
The Many Faces of One Lie
The lie rarely shows up in a single sentence. Here's a list of the versions they hear most often:
• It dies after a while, so don't expect much.
• It's for men to enjoy and women to endure.
• It's not something a godly girl should want.
• It's more exciting in an affair than in a marriage.
Bethlie's response to the first one is: if someone told you intimacy in marriage is overrated, go back and remember who said it, because they lied to you.
Why Intimacy Fades, and Why It Doesn't Have To
Intimacy only dies when a couple lets it. When a husband isn't loving and leading and a wife isn't respecting and following, closeness suffers. When a couple believes they're simply "not compatible," closeness suffers too. These lies stack on top of each other.
Hard Seasons Are Real
Perimenopause and menopause, are illness or physical struggles that come with age. These seasons make intimacy harder, but they don't make it unimportant. Bethlie's counsel: keep it on your radar, talk about it as a couple, and get help from a doctor, a nurse practitioner, or a godly older couple. For couples where physical intimacy is no longer possible, she points to the spiritual, emotional, and relational closeness and physical affection that can remain.
What the Bible Says About Intimacy in Marriage
Dave points to 1 Corinthians 7: husbands and wives are to render due benevolence to one another, and in this area their bodies belong to their spouse. Later in the episode, Bethlie notes the same chapter's teaching that each man is to have his own wife and each wife her own husband, so that neither falls into temptation.
Dave observes how strange it is that a culture so obsessed with sexuality ridicules it inside marriage. To him, that contradiction is evidence of a spiritual battle aimed squarely at God's design.
Raising Children With a Biblical View of Intimacy
Dave and Bethlie have counseled couples who struggled from the honeymoon on because of lies they believed before marriage. Some assumed marriage would cure a pornography habit and found out quickly it doesn't. Others, often godly young women, had been taught or had assumed that intimacy is something a good Christian girl shouldn't want.
Their challenge to parents: moms, teach your daughters; dads, teach your sons. In age-appropriate ways, children can learn that intimacy is a good gift to look forward to in marriage. When they're engaged, the conversations should get more specific.
Dave also mentions a term counselors use, "intimacy anorexia," for a spouse who has shut themselves off from their partner entirely. It's another form of the same lie, and it has to be overcome.
The Busy Seasons of Raising Children
Babies, toddlers, homeschooling, and the endless drop-off and pick-up loop of the teen years can crowd closeness right out of a marriage. Dave says it plainly: your marriage is more important than the baby, more important than homeschooling, and more important than the kids' schedules.
Practical Steps for Christian Couples
Have the Conversation
Bethlie recalls their years traveling in evangelism, living in an RV with small children while homeschooling. More than once they had to sit down and admit they weren't really seeing each other, then make a plan.
When There Is Sin in the Marriage
Bethlie addresses the question: should a wife withdraw intimacy when her husband is in sin, such as a pornography habit?
