Overcoming a Struggling Marriage Part 2
Overcoming a Struggling Marriage (Part 2): Abandon Criticism, Negativity, and Division
Ask most couples if their marriage is struggling and they'll say, "No… but we're really busy." Jobs, church, and a calendar full of the kids' sports, music lessons, and fine arts can leave husbands and wives passing in the hallway. Some couples simply land in a stagnant season.
In Episode 335, Dave and Bethlie Young continue their mini-series within the Overcoming series. They remind couples that it takes two to overcome a struggling marriage, and that the Christian's victory over the world comes through faith.
Episode Overview
After a quick review of last week's first two steps, the Youngs introduce the third step for overcoming a struggling marriage: Abandon. They're quick to clarify that this does not mean abandoning your spouse. It means letting go of three habits that quietly erode a Christian marriage.
A Struggling Marriage Takes Two
In counseling, the Youngs often find that each spouse wants to be closer but sees the fault only in the other person. Dave points to the Lord's message to the lukewarm church of Laodicea. Things weren't well, though they thought they were, yet the Lord loved them and promised to help them overcome.
Review: Step 1 — Speak
- Husbands speak words of affection, and wives speak words of affirmation.
- Both spouses speak gratitude, praise, and prayer.
- Dave recalls the Youngs' interview with Dr. Gary Thomas about making good marriages great.
- In a recent counseling session, a wife immediately attacked her husband's account instead of sharing her own. Dave's response: Stop that.
- Check-in question: What words of affection or affirmation did you speak on purpose this week?
Review: Step 2 — Seek
- Seek to serve each other. Ask "What can I do for you?" instead of "What will my spouse do for me?"
- Seek to solve problems together. Be swift to hear and slow to speak, and learn to identify the real problem.
- Seek God together. Go to church, small groups, and Bible studies together, and above all, pray together to reconnect when you feel distant.
Step 3 — Abandon
Abandon All Criticism
Scripture teaches that as a person thinks in their heart, so are they. When a husband constantly criticizes his wife, she begins to see herself that way and live that way. The same is true when a wife criticizes her husband. The Youngs note they see this same pattern in children raised by negative parents.
Bethlie adds that a husband who is constantly corrected for how he bathes or diapers the baby or shops for groceries will often just stop trying. That leaves the wife even more frustrated.
How to Address Real Issues Without Criticism
- Ask a favor. Try "Would you do this for me?" instead of sarcasm or eye-rolling.
- Accept that different isn't wrong. If the baby gets changed, go with it.
- Talk with curiosity. Ask, "Is that how your family did it?"
- Save corrections for things that truly matter, and let the rest go.
- Wives, watch the perfectionism. As Bethlie puts it, get off your "control girl high horse."
Abandon All Negative Statements
Sitcom-style sarcasm, like "You're such an idiot, ha ha," trained a generation to laugh at put-downs. In a real marriage, those words weaken and demolish.
Abandon Division
Anything that pulls you apart has to go. Dave points to Peter's call to "add to your faith." God works through addition and multiplication. Add to your marriage, and multiply your efforts: if your kind words didn't land last week, say them ten times more. Text them, email them, write them on the calendar, or tuck them in a lunchbox.
How Technology and Busyness Divide the Christian Family
Picking up from the Overcoming Technology series, the Youngs warn that couples can sit on the same couch or lie in the same bed on separate devices and still be divided. Children's activities can divide families too.
Try this: Take your family out to eat, leave every phone in the car, and notice how hard conversation feels at first.
This Week's Homework
Sit down together and ask:
- Do you feel like we are divided in any way?
- What do you think we could do to improve that?
Part 3 continues next week with more on doing life together.
