“We’re just not compatible.” Dave and Bethlie have heard couples say it on the way to separation, and they call it what it is: a lie. In Part 2 of Overcoming Lies, they look at how our culture defines compatibility (harmony, no conflict, no interruptions) and why no marriage could ever meet that standard. Men and women are different by God’s design, and that’s not a reason to quit. From 1 Peter 3:7, a story about nine restaurant options, and what they’ve seen in the counseling room, the Youngs share four ways to overcome incompatibility: grow in the Lord, love above all, live loyally, and give each other grace. If you’re building a Christian family and your marriage feels like a mismatch, this episode will help you see your differences differently.
Few phrases end more marriages than this one: “We’re just not compatible.” It sounds reasonable. It even sounds mature. But Dave and Bethlie Young believe it’s one of the enemy’s favorite lies, especially for couples who are already struggling.
This week the Youngs continue the Overcoming Lies series with a second lie about marriage. They take apart the culture’s definition of compatibility, explain why husbands and wives have to learn it, and give four practical ways to overcome the incompatibilities every couple runs into.
The Lie: “We’re Not Compatible” The Cambridge Dictionary defines compatibility as being able to exist, live, or work successfully with someone. An AI-generated definition went further, adding that compatible people live in harmony, without conflict, interruption, or adverse reactions. Put any man and woman under the same roof for weeks on end and there will be conflict. By that standard, no relationship is compatible.
Biblically, a husband and wife who are opposite in gender, role, upbringing, taste, and perspective can still live and work together successfully. What they won’t have is constant, unbroken harmony, because we live in a broken world. As the Youngs have said many times, the goal is never to avoid conflict. The goal is to handle conflict in a healthy way.
Part of our culture works hard to erase the differences between men and women, then turns around and tells a struggling couple they’re probably not compatible and should separate. Men and women are different by God’s design. Those differences can create friction, but they can also make a marriage stronger when couples use them instead of fixating on each other’s weaknesses.
Husbands and Wives Have to Learn Compatibility Study your spouse (1 Peter 3:7) Your husband will never be a woman, and your wife will never be a man, and you wouldn’t want either. Compatibility is something you work at. First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to dwell with their wives according to knowledge: to think about her, study her, and understand why she is the way she is.
Four Ways to Overcome Incompatibility 1. Grow in the Lord A lot of marriage problems get solved as each spouse becomes more like Jesus: more gentle, gracious, patient, kind, and considerate. In counseling, the Youngs often see couples stuck in a reaction cycle: “He isn’t walking with God, so I won’t either.” That’s a downward spiral. First Peter 3 shows a wife how to keep honoring God even when her husband isn’t doing right. Whatever your spouse does, you can still walk with God, and you will be better off for it.
2. Love above all Don’t let little things become irritations. Settle it in your heart and say it out loud: I love you, I’m here for you, and I’m not leaving.
3. Live loyally The same culture that preaches compatibility also makes it normal for couples to be sarcastic and belittling about each other in public, even in the church lobby after a service. It may get a laugh, but it isn’t harmless, especially when there’s already an issue in someone’s heart. Bethlie shares that when people try to draw her into joking at Dave’s expense, she answers in a way that makes clear she’s on his side. You may need to talk something through at home, but in public, back each other up.
4. Give each other grace Bethlie speaks directly to wives here. Some women can’t let anything slide: how he picked up his fork, held the baby, talked to the kids, or chose a parking spot. If your husband corrected you that often, you’d be an emotional mess. Give him grace. In giving grace, you’ll find a lot more compatibility.
